This is the English version of a talk I gave at the Agila Sverige conference dinner 2015-06-03.
Good evening consultants and managers!
My name is Marcus Ahnve, and I represent SLADOS, Safe Lean Agile DevOps Scrumban. The name is automatically generated once a month by a script that searches Google for trending agile words and creates a pronounceable acronym from them.
Before I get started, let me just assure you that SLADOS is for you. SLADOS is for everyone, including you in the back leaving. SLADOS is for everyone, even those who don’t want it.
In the modern software development world, the new yardstick is how agile you are. And we know that you’re tired of being less agile than the others. We know you hate picking the kids at kindergarten and having to listen Lisa’s stupid mom, “Well, our velocity is 314 now.”
SLADOS is for you! In a time when agile software development has become the methodology equivalent of a large danish ice cream, meaning 3 kg ice cream och whipped cream in a wafer traffic cone, with a chocolate ball on top, we’re there to help you make money out of it.
You may have heard of the Agile Manifesto. A bunch of bearded hippies met in the middle of nowhere, did hippie stuff for a weekend and came out of the fog with the following:
Manifesto for Agile Software Development
We are uncovering better ways of developing software by doing it and helping others do it. Through this work we have come to value:
- Individuals and interactions over processes and tools
- Working software over comprehensive documentation
- Customer collaboration over contract negotiation
- Responding to change over following a plan
That is, while there is value in the items on the right, we value the items on the left
Please notice how they actually point out that it’s the stuff on the right that has actual value, but that they “value” the stuff on the left more. It’s like when parents tell their kids that “Yes, our car is valuable, but I value the painting you did in school today more”. I’m happy to say that finally some real economists are here to clear this mess up.
Now, you’re probably wondering where’s the business in all of this? Well, I’m here to tell you.
SLADOS Manifesto for Agile Software Development
We heard that others had uncovered better ways of charging money for developing software by talking a lot about it and letting others do it. We want a part of this.
So, welcome to SLADOS, your one-stop shop for surviving in the agile jungle.
We provide best-practice knowledge and cutting edge merchandise. Traditional agile processes talk about learning agile as following a path with no clear destination. That’s probably great if you’re a Linux using, lens soup eating cave dweller, but if you, like us, want to make money, there is always SLADOS. SLADOS let’s you be exactly as agile as you want to be while continuing to work in the same comfortable way as before.
Traditional Safe, Lean, Agile DevOps Scrumban software development approaches often fail to deliver software that meets business requirements on time and within budget, which is the least you should expect from a something that claims to be a methodology.
Some people say it’s an inherent trait in software development, and that no one can predict things that hasn’t been done before. We’re say they’re not trying hard enough.
And what’s needed when people aren’t trying hard enough? That’s right, management! Telling people what to do is what you managers are good at, and SLADOS allows you to excel.
Handle All the Methodologies!
At SLADOS, we know that the problem of being agile is not changing management ways, or shortening feedback cycles, or learning the third verse of Kumbaya for your next retrospective.
No, the main problem for today’s agile organizations is keeping up the ever flowing stream of new agile methods that keep popping up, with even more ridiculous names like:
- Crystal Clear
Today, SLADOS introduces a product package to help you manage your agile methodology portfolio. All SLADOS enterprise subscribers will receive a copy of our quarterly Agile Methodology Radar, where our agile marketing specialists lists what’s in and what’s not in the agile world
Given the Japanese roots of Agile, it’s not so strange that we have all these methods. It’s just like Pokemon, gotta catch ‘em all. Which leads us to another SLADOS product that we’re launching tonight - the trading card album My Agile Methods.
This album allows you to collect cards with all different agile methods, as well as your favorite agilists. You can bring the album to your next agile conference to trade cards - you might have two Leanban cards for example. The album will also make a fine coffee table book.
All these methods require certifications, which all you representing mature, serious organizations want your coworkers to have. That means a lot of certifications.
All SLADOS customers have access to the official SLADOS certification. It is are in turn an umbrella certification for all sub methods that SLADOS contains. You simply subscribe to a certain number of certifications, and if a new method, say “LeanbanOps”, becomes popular, you will automatically become certified in that one too. At this point I want to stress that our certifications are certified by the finest certification certifiers available.
There is no need, or even possibility, to send your workers for any actual certification training. This does not make any practical differences to what you may be used to, as a certification doesn’t imply any sort of knowledge of the certifiee. This way, we make money, your workers don’t miss precious production time, and you still get the certifications. Total win-win.
If a software is released and no one has measured velocity, does it exist? Maybe for a few users, but not in your next 360 review.
Real software is not defined by what is built, but by who builds it. Writing a “Hello World” is simple, doing it with a 1000 developers, sorry - full time equivalents, is hard.
A small team only writes the code that is needed, but what if that’s simply not enough? What happens if you also want a Rose-diagram, an IEEE “Hello World” expert committee, documentation, patents, and a clear working procedure description with toll gates, dead lines and sign offs?
Where is your Scrum now?
The old agile methods simply aren’t enough here.
Tonight, SLADOS introduces the enterprise concept Constraint Driven Development, where the limitation is that you’re not allowed to use fewer than a 1000 developers.
Who has time to change an organization when you have to run a project with 1000 full time equivalents? No one. Many of our enterprise clients have a problem getting internal acceptance for agile methods. We now offer them the possibility to officially brand their traditional method as an accepted and audited agile method. In this, we’re of course working with our certification certifiers.
SLADOS is a complete package to help you become agile and to navigate the ocean that is the agile world. We allow you to keep doing whatever you’ve been doing, and just change the name.
The promise of other, completely different organizations, improving by actual change will help keep enthusiasm for this new process alive.
The most common questions we get:
Q: How does this fit together with CMMI and ITIL?
A: Like three pieces of Lego that fit really well together.
Q: Is it compatible with SharePoint?